Boundaries

Boundaries don’t come easily to me. I’m pretty much your stereotypical people pleaser perfectionist who wants everyone to be happy and runs around making sure everyone’s needs are met before my own. While this is my tendency, I have grown leaps and strides in this area.

I’ve been told I’m the queen of boundaries, and I know I set them all the time. But something I’m learning is that there’s always a learning curve when you set boundaries within a different relationship or context, like a new job or friendship.

I have found that there are two basic types of boundaries: those that you make with others and those that you make with yourself.

Growing up, I really struggled to set boundaries with others, but after being bullied, having to develop a sense of self-worth even if I was rejected, and moving across the country for college helped me to own the fact that I don’t have to live to please others and that I don’t have to put up with disrespect. 

Setting Boundaries With Others

It’s difficult to stand up for yourself when someone disrespects you, but the trickier boundaries that you have to establish with others are the ones where you set boundaries with others about your role in taking care of their well-being. For example, you could have a friend, family member, or significant other who you love dearly but expects you to fix their problems when they arise. Setting a boundary that you can’t always be their only support and stay calm and positive when they’re falling apart is really hard because you feel like you’re being a bad friend, sister, child, wife, girlfriend, etc.

Setting boundaries with people may improve your well-being, but it also may trigger anxieties about hurting their feelings or not being a good friend/wife/family member, etc. But, what I’m learning is that as adults, we must let others own the consequences of their decisions, rather than taking on responsibility for their well-being. We all have a million choices we face daily and we all screw up plenty, so we have enough to worry about on our own without taking on other people’s problems. 

Now, this isn’t to say that you shouldn’t support loved ones in need or that you isolate yourself in a “me first” bubble. Instead, it means regularly reflecting on how certain relationships and interactions make you feel to determine where you need your boundaries to be, who you need to set boundaries with, and why those boundaries are important to you. For example, maybe you’re able to listen to your friend vent when you have free time on a Saturday afternoon, but not in the middle of work or when you’ve scheduled “me time” to go to the gym. You have to figure out what allows you to fill your own cup so you can feel peaceful and be the best version of yourself for the people you care about. 

Setting Boundaries With Ourselves

A type of boundary that I don’t think is talked about enough and that I struggle with the most is setting boundaries with ourselves. An example of a self-boundary could be “when the clock hits 5, I’m closing my laptop, unless a truly urgent task arises.” From there, respecting the boundary would mean you would have to actually log off physically and mentally so you can then shift your focus to your hobbies, relaxation, or fun. This is hard especially when you have workaholic tendencies like me! 

Another example of a boundary is this: when you’re feeling self-critical or upset, you don’t let yourself ruminate, and you don’t focus on or diagnose the cause of the negative feelings until you’ve run through your checklist: 

• have I eaten enough and drank enough water today?

• Did I get 7-9 hours of sleep

• Am I PMSing or on my period

• Have I moved my body today?

• Have I gotten fresh air?

• Have I had a positive conversation with someone else?

If you haven’t fulfilled basic needs like food, water, and connection, your boundary with yourself should be to meet those needs FIRST. This is an example of boundary setting because forcing yourself to cut off unhealthy rumination is hard! I’ve found that a lot of the time, meeting these simple needs snaps me out of a funk or at least makes things feel a little bit better.

Here’s an example of what this looks like in my life: “Even though I feel bad about my body right now and feel the need to pick apart my flaws in the mirror and attempt to “stare away” the parts I don’t like, I’m not allowed to do that this week because I’m about to start my period. I’m not in a positive head space right now so my evaluations are likely much worse right now than under normal circumstances.” 

This strategy has been a game changer for me when dealing with body image issues - from times where I’m PMSing to moments where I’m having fun but am insecure about how I look. Shutting down those thoughts and actively shifting your focus is powerful.

Like I said, boundary setting has been a journey for me, and I am still a work in progress! But it’s something that I actually feel really confident about now and that I view as a strength. I think it’s because my experience struggling to set boundaries has helped me to find the balance between being firm and honest while also being kind and empathetic. Boundary setting is one of those things that I think we’ll all be working on the rest of our lives because it often involves letting down people we love. But I hope that these examples and my ability to grow gives you the strength and hope to keep on building up your boundary-setting skills.